Life after graduation isn't what I thought it would be. I was excited to get out but nothing could have prepared me for the depressive episodes that rock me and continue to do so while I hunt for a job that feels like it will never come. I have been on a few interviews that range from boring to stressful, so far none have been successful and I have to believe that they aren't a good fit or otherwise I become woefully discouraged. I wanted to be an artist but that doesn't mean the thing that makes me money will be a part of that. I have found myself locked in a world that tells me what I want/need so many times a day that it is hard to know what I want/need. But I am still here, still fighting for the self that went to art school and that learned to do what I cared most about in a way other people could (sometimes) understand.
"Tattoo it on the inside of your mind. In life, knowledge of poisons is essential. I've told you, nobody becomes an artist unless they have to.”
― Janet Fitch, White Oleander
I haven't made work in the way I wanted to since I walked across the stage, that is okay because we change and struggle in ways that look different for everyone. But this is in me, this need to communicate and to make, I have to make-- because it is the deepest part of who I am and it is how I became who I am.
This isn't easy and I know this sounds more like an existential ramble but that is what my life is right now, not always, but right now it is.
When I can put professional thinker on my resume I will be set for life, until then I am looking inside and over and through the world to come out on the other side.
It is exciting and devastating all in one breath and anyone who tells you different is faking it.
xoxo,
Charlie
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